Villain: alcohol

[ambersalamander]

Oh my God. Oh my GOD.

I am never, ever drinking alcohol again*

I went out for my friend's birthday last night and somehow I have lost an entire day. I just returned home in the dark thinking it was still Saturday night. However, I am reliably informed that it is, in fact, Sunday.

Just to illustrate my point, here is a modest selection of some of the things I am told I did last night/this morning:

-Drank 4 pints of Deuchars IPA in an alarmingly short time, because I had no money and people kept getting rounds in
-Went with friends to the cocktail bar across the road where they were playing really bloody good music and danced like a mad bastard for 2 hours
-Got a free cocktail worth at least four quid, just by flirting with the incredibly hunky barman**
-Drank this cocktail too quickly without even asking what was in it, never mind checking
-Drank lots of other cocktails and went back to my friend's house to carry on drinking when the bar closed ridiculously late (by which time the staff were all actually dancing on top of the bar and spraying water*** over the crowd)
-Was asked to select a playlist from my friend's extensive music collection and picked sixty-three songs I knew all the words to
-Finished off the best part of a whole bottle of rum
-Sustained a huge and painful carpet burn on my knee while dancing to "Friday I'm in Love" by the Cure
-Sang very loudly to all the songs, Googling the lyrics for the benefit of everyone else so they could all sing along too, which they didn't.
-Wouldn't stop it
-Texted about eighteen of my closest friends at 5am to tell them I loved them
-Woke up on the sofa around 11am, still blind drunk and still wearing all my clothes, jewellery and make-up
-Threw up repeatedly and lavishly into a mop bucket
-Fell asleep again and woke at lunchtime, still drunk, demanding a glass of milk
-Threw up the milk about 10 minutes later... it still looked exactly the same except that it had curdled and was coming out of my nose
-Woke up about 2:30, STILL drunk, to find myself completely alone. Went back to sleep
-Got up about 4pm when my host returned from the pub (where he'd had a huge fryup but didn't think it would be a good idea for me to have one too. I was STILL DRUNK
-Thought it would be a good idea to eat something and decided to go for vegetable tikka, which sobered me up. Watched DVDs under blanket with friend for 3 hours
-Went home when it finally twigged that I might have outstayed my welcome. Felt dizzy and fell over twice

This is what happens when I tell Sutton to win and they lose instead.



*until Thursday, AT LEAST.

**Apparently, this was not a beer goggles phenomenon and he really was hunky.

***at least, I hope it was water.

[coops]

I only fell over and ruined yet another pair of jeans (replaceable) and another knee (not replaceable).

The wife didn't get up until 3pm though and she didn't look good.

Tamuff won.

[ambersalamander]

I didn't get up until 4 ;D

[bh]

Sounds like a normal trip to Cambridge to me Sal!

[ambersalamander]

It's worse. This was in Wimbledon!

[bh]

Not a good place to drink!

[medibot]

Meh, there's me thinking i had a lively night out and you go and do that. Meh.

My sick was purple though, and i was on a train about a minute away from making it home from North London (i inadvertently ended up at a party in Wood Green after a day and night of drinking in Cambridge) without throwing up.

Purple sick is awesome though. I'd be embarrassed normally but it was purple and clear and awesome looking even if it was basically just Ribena that had gone for a short visit to my stomach

[ojiveojive]

Mmmm.... got home from The Moors losing to Blyth to discover that the old bill had rung twenty minutes earlier asking the wife if the person they described and whose phone they had taken the number from was ours. Daughter number three, 14 years old, had taken exception to being arrested for being drunk and disorderly, effing, blinding and lashing out at the police officers. I went to the police station where the custody sergent told me he hadn't seen anyone in that bad a state for years and that as her mother was with her and they were also trying to process two robbers, a murderer and a rapist, he didn't really want me in the custody area. I went off up the High Street for a brie and tomato baguette and a macchiato coffee. Having just taken my first bite my phone screeched 'You've got a message'. It was the wife. Daughter had passed out and an ambulance had been called to take her to A&E at the local children's hospital. I got to the hospital ahead of the ambulance and when it arrived daughter was unconscious but her vital signs were normal. In A&E she was constantly monitored whilst we sat beside the bed wondering what the eff had happened. On checking her phone, a fancy gadget that I have no idea how to make work, I rang the last number on it which turned out to be answered by the mother of a friend of hers who told me her daughter was unconscious in intensive care at another hospital having taken a fall and bashed her face. Daughter had a litre of sodium chloride solution intravenously administered with the intention of making her want to pee and thereby waking her up. It didn't work. The inspector from the police station arrived to see how she was and also to check that she hadn't imbibed anything other than alcohol. The medical staff kept trying to wake her to no avail and after several hours they then decided she needed a scan to check for brain damage as we were now entering the realm of this potentially being a coma. Whilst being prepped for the scan she woke up abruptly with severe kidney pains, she was wheeled off to the toilet where she peed for ages and after a full examination she was finally released at some godawful hour of the morning, mom and dad feeling drained but somehow elated and relieved. Her friend spent the night in ITU and is still being observed although no longer in any danger. They apparently got a couple of older girls to buy them a couple of bottles of vodka from an off-licence and they went to the park to drink them!!! We had to return to the police station today where the custody sergent delivered her an almighty bollocking whilst mom and dad stood around with serious faces. Grounded for a month and severly restricted use of t'internet will apply.

[ambersalamander]

Oh, I used to do that sort of thing all the time! ;D

When I were an undergrad, my friend Melanie drank an entire bottle of creme de menthe. Her sick, Medibot will be impressed to learn, was the same pure, bright green as children's finger paint. It kept coming and coming. She was completely incapable of moving without help. Unfortunately, I was almost as pissed as she was, and our friend Charlotte decided in her own drunken state that the best way to sober Melanie up would be to give her a bath, and that this would get rid of the green chunks covering her as well. So Charlie and I heaved Melanie into the bath (not difficult as she only weighed about seven stone) and got her nice and clean, but no less drunk. She was still throwing up and by this stage was not even capable of holding her own head up, so Charlie and I decided that we were not adequate caregivers as we were both too pissed to do anything about it. Worried that Melanie was likely to choke on her own vomit, we called for medical help. When the ambulance arrived, we realised that Melanie was wearing nothing but one of my T-shirts, but it was too late as they were already whisking her off to hospital. I was nominated to go with her, but too pissed to think of getting any clothes or even shoes for her. I had no mobile phone.

At the hospital, Melanie had her stomach pumped, which must have been impressively green, and remained unconscious until about 4:45am. Because of lack of hospital beds, she was lying on a trolley in a corridor all this time with me sitting next to her, absolutely desperate to go to sleep but worried that as far as Melanie knew she was still at my flat, so she might go bonkers if she woke up alone in hospital not knowing where she was. During this time, I had been almost constantly berated by the ward sister for a) letting her get in this state, b) being drunk myself, c) existing, d) not bringing spare clothes or phone numbers and e) not having any money or other means of getting myself and Melanie home. As you can imagine, I was rather irate by the time Melanie woke up.

When she did wake up, we had the following conversation:
Me: Hello Lemony
Melanie: Oh.
Me: Yes.
Melanie: Oh, right. (Pause) OK, so I'm going to make the dancing hippos come now.
Me: (slightly disconcerted) Erm, what?
Melanie: The dancing hippos. They'll come down here (points down corridor)
Me: Melanie, you are in hospital. There are no dancing hippos.
Melanie: Not yet, but I can make them come. Watch.
Me: Melanie. There are no dancing hippos. This is hospital.
Melanie: Yeah, but this is a dream and I can do what I like in dreams.
Me: No it isn't.
Melanie: Yes it is.
Me: No, this is not a dream. You got pissed and had to go to hospital.
Melanie: But it IS a dream!
Me: No it isn't.
Melanie: Isn't it?
Me: Nope.
Melanie: It's not? (Pause, looking around her) Oh, bollocks.

She then immediately went back to sleep.

[ojiveojive]

ambersalamander said:

Oh, I used to do that sort of thing all the time! ;D

Sorry Amber but she's only fourteen. I guess you've never seen a child of yours wired up to the eyeballs, pulse rate bouncing between 30 odd and a 180 odd per minute, shaking like a leaf in a tree (as Elvis used to sing) or completely comatose, or shaking, or comatose for hour after hour, eyeballs inside her head, rashes appearing all over from nowhere. I have to say both the old bill and the medical staff were fantastic, not once did they ask us how or why she'd got into that state, they just did their best for her. Her friend came close to dying, it wasn't a happy time.

[ambersalamander]

I'm sorry. That was very insensitive of me and a very misjudged attempt at lightening the mood

Of course I cannot possibly imagine what it must be to see your daughter like that, and I guess you'll be scared every time she walks out the door from now on. My parents once had an experience like that with me and have not forgotten it and I don't think they've forgiven me, quite understandably (I was 16, so it was a lot harder for them to say I couldn't go out. I was going to college and drinking wine at lunchtime at that age).

I can only hope that she's learned from her experience.

[ojiveojive]

Cheers, Amber, I'm sure she will.

[ambersalamander]

I lies it was All wrong i said i notdrinktil thursday but myt mum and dad gave me G'n'T before dinner yesterday n 2 Glaas of wine and tonight i go to meet my old schoolfriends for DRINK and it not thursday YEt

[bh]

Ooops, off the wagon so quickly!

[bonehead]

Almost qualifies as a 'Ruth' posting ;-)