Post by Roscoe, TFFN Reporter (Ret) on Jun 22, 2011 1:36:52 GMT
Loved this, by "Special Correspondant" on the Bishop's Stortford fans forum:
As the dust begins to the settle, the townspeople of Bishop's Stortford are slowly coming to the terms that they are in fact: Northern.
By tomorrow morning a small boy will be wheeling a rickety old bike up a black and white Portland Road as the smell of freshly baked Hovis wafts across town.
All pubs will be branded Yates or Wetherspoons and be full with local scallies. A new "It's Grim Up North" campaign will be launched. Fronted by a local with a ladder it will prove quickly that the East Riding of Hertfordshire is in fact more dour than Yorkshire and contribute towards a rapid decline in the population over the next 20 years.
"Any road", as the locals will say, they'll be looking to the forthcoming football season even though the odds on Stortford bringing home the championship are considered remote. Much like their location.
There will be massive games with Corby and that posh lot from Solihull. They eat that dark chocolate around there, but let's be careful not to inflame a situation. Lest we forget the 2009 Thorley race riots.
Gainsborough Trinity - even if it sounds like a paedophile ring, it doesn't mean it is one - will be the first visitors to town and it will be hoped the pitch is still in OK condition after a hard rugby league season. The pies will sell out quickly pointing many to ask, "who ate all the pies?" But there could be many culprits now. Stortford is now a town with dangerous levels of obesity. Albeit these levels are determined by capitalist southern scumbags unaware that chips and gravy form a critical part of a balanced diet.
A trip to Blyth Spartans follows and once the away fans have gotten over sitting in a cafe eating sickly sausage rooolls they'll be preparing to visit Guiseley. It's near Leeds. Dirty Leeds. The less prolific Stortford fans will hope to seize their chance.
Harrogate will be shortened to Harro to help Stortford feel they have some rivalries in this league. Then Altrincham will be the next to venture UP to Stortford and probably the last rich enough visitors to afford anything in Marks & Spencer. It will close shortly after as the town centre becomes dominated by Primark, Peacocks, Poundland and pawnbrokers (and another Wetherspoons).
A Fairy cross the Mersey and a trip to Vauxhall Motors will precede Colwyn Bay away and a weekender in Prestatyn. Chavtastic? Aye! North Wales will hand out the ASBOs and the away following will be cut in half. Leaving four.
Meanwhile, rumours that the government were in secret partnership with the Conference hierarchy regarding changing England's geography have been quashed. Proof that the Tories wanted to show they actually have support outside the South East was found inaccurate as BSFC quickly changed their kit to all red. It's also been noticed that the employed menfolk of Stortford have been leaving for work accompanied by budgies.
A league spokesman, Mr. E. Nept, was also on hand to dismiss such allegations, "I'm hoping this whole charade has proved to be absolutely perfectly brainless... oh and I've got a training course on bribery a week Thursday and if I can pass that too I'm hoping I'll get fast tracked to Zurich within a matter of days."
An application by BSFC to join Conference South Atlantic was also quickly dismissed. Games against Tristan da Cunha F.C. - a military flight to Ascension followed by a 10-day boat trip but according to some Stortford fans, "still bloody closer than Workington" - was considered by a well qualified official as "silly".
So Bishops St'rtford (the apostrophe will soon move in the local dialect) will soon have "the best fans in the world", but if you don't want to see any of their fans bare chested, look away now.
Coincidentally enough that's exactly what the chairman of Southport did just the other night as he boarded a plane muttering, "conflict of interest? What conflict of interest?", as he returned to his day job as a government official in the Republic of Belarus.
It's fun to stay in the BSBCN! Right? Conference North - you are having a laff.
As the dust begins to the settle, the townspeople of Bishop's Stortford are slowly coming to the terms that they are in fact: Northern.
By tomorrow morning a small boy will be wheeling a rickety old bike up a black and white Portland Road as the smell of freshly baked Hovis wafts across town.
All pubs will be branded Yates or Wetherspoons and be full with local scallies. A new "It's Grim Up North" campaign will be launched. Fronted by a local with a ladder it will prove quickly that the East Riding of Hertfordshire is in fact more dour than Yorkshire and contribute towards a rapid decline in the population over the next 20 years.
"Any road", as the locals will say, they'll be looking to the forthcoming football season even though the odds on Stortford bringing home the championship are considered remote. Much like their location.
There will be massive games with Corby and that posh lot from Solihull. They eat that dark chocolate around there, but let's be careful not to inflame a situation. Lest we forget the 2009 Thorley race riots.
Gainsborough Trinity - even if it sounds like a paedophile ring, it doesn't mean it is one - will be the first visitors to town and it will be hoped the pitch is still in OK condition after a hard rugby league season. The pies will sell out quickly pointing many to ask, "who ate all the pies?" But there could be many culprits now. Stortford is now a town with dangerous levels of obesity. Albeit these levels are determined by capitalist southern scumbags unaware that chips and gravy form a critical part of a balanced diet.
A trip to Blyth Spartans follows and once the away fans have gotten over sitting in a cafe eating sickly sausage rooolls they'll be preparing to visit Guiseley. It's near Leeds. Dirty Leeds. The less prolific Stortford fans will hope to seize their chance.
Harrogate will be shortened to Harro to help Stortford feel they have some rivalries in this league. Then Altrincham will be the next to venture UP to Stortford and probably the last rich enough visitors to afford anything in Marks & Spencer. It will close shortly after as the town centre becomes dominated by Primark, Peacocks, Poundland and pawnbrokers (and another Wetherspoons).
A Fairy cross the Mersey and a trip to Vauxhall Motors will precede Colwyn Bay away and a weekender in Prestatyn. Chavtastic? Aye! North Wales will hand out the ASBOs and the away following will be cut in half. Leaving four.
Meanwhile, rumours that the government were in secret partnership with the Conference hierarchy regarding changing England's geography have been quashed. Proof that the Tories wanted to show they actually have support outside the South East was found inaccurate as BSFC quickly changed their kit to all red. It's also been noticed that the employed menfolk of Stortford have been leaving for work accompanied by budgies.
A league spokesman, Mr. E. Nept, was also on hand to dismiss such allegations, "I'm hoping this whole charade has proved to be absolutely perfectly brainless... oh and I've got a training course on bribery a week Thursday and if I can pass that too I'm hoping I'll get fast tracked to Zurich within a matter of days."
An application by BSFC to join Conference South Atlantic was also quickly dismissed. Games against Tristan da Cunha F.C. - a military flight to Ascension followed by a 10-day boat trip but according to some Stortford fans, "still bloody closer than Workington" - was considered by a well qualified official as "silly".
So Bishops St'rtford (the apostrophe will soon move in the local dialect) will soon have "the best fans in the world", but if you don't want to see any of their fans bare chested, look away now.
Coincidentally enough that's exactly what the chairman of Southport did just the other night as he boarded a plane muttering, "conflict of interest? What conflict of interest?", as he returned to his day job as a government official in the Republic of Belarus.
It's fun to stay in the BSBCN! Right? Conference North - you are having a laff.