A very, very quick joke

[ambersalamander]

Choirboy to nun: Why do you dress like a penguin?

Nun: It's a habit

[luvlydory]

very quick blonde jokes (you either get 'em quick or you don't !)

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...??"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.? After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.?? "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more pain. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked? down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL? OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"? said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.? We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like? that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

;D ;D
apologies to blonde people but they were sent to me !

[ambersalamander]

I don't think we have any blonde ladies on this forum!

[ojiveojive]

Here are a few more................

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?

Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

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The waitress asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:

"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
"Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down"!


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Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

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A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair coloured so that she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[luvlydory]

this one is especially for Ojiveojive xx

Subject: Healthy Living

Here's a thought .....
for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

Facts:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Australians, British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Australians, British or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the Australians, British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the Australians, British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats andsuffer fewer heart attacks than the Australians, British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

;D

[ojiveojive]

luvlydory said:

Subject: Healthy Living

Here's a thought .....
for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

Facts:
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the Australians, British or Americans.

;D ;D ;D Why do you think I'm learning italian? ;D ;D ;D

I don't avoid meat for my health's sake , I avoid meat for the health's sake of the animals it comes from

[ambersalamander]

I am currently avoiding all food due to being too ill to eat

[luvlydory]

You have to get well soon so you can travel x

[ambersalamander]

Travel? Oh you mean the riverside. As things are, I won't be able to make it. I'll probably have to work since I'll be the only permanent member of staff in the country that weekend!

[luvlydory]

ojiveojive said:

;D ;D ;D Why do you think I'm learning italian? ;D ;D ;D

mybe you want to impress people when ordering in your local italian restaurant ? or maybe just so you know what you are eating ?! ;D

[ojiveojive]

No, it's because it's the language of lurve

[luvlydory]

oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!

I have to learn italian !!

[ambersalamander]

rubbish.

The language of lurve is pure body language! ANYONE can speak that, unless they are completely paralysed. And even then, they can probably speak it with the pupils of their eyes...

[ojiveojive]

Forget body language, italians speak with their hands

[ambersalamander]

Gestures? Or is it a quick game of feel the sportsman?