Post by ambersalamander on Mar 16, 2009 0:23:27 GMT
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...[shadow=red,left,300] Ashford Town (Middlesex)[/shadow] for the following reasons:
1) They have (Middlesex) in their name, because they're so tinpot they apparently didn't realise there was already an Ashford Town, but wanted the name that badly*. Clubs with random punctuation in their names (e.g. Corinthian-Casuals) are usually beautifully tinpot.
2) Outside their front door is a lovely sign saying who they're playing next, badly written in liquid chalk (orange) so that the last three letters are all squashed.
3) Their car park is a very small muddy field with trees in.
4) Their main programme seller is a small, rather charming ginger-haired boy in grubby Ashford Town trousers who weaves in and out of people's legs until they give in and pay him £2 to go away, at which point he presents them with a cheeky grin and a bright orange programme.
5) They wear fluorescent orange. Any British club whose home kit is this colour is incredibly tinpot.
6) The first thing we heard over the tannoy was "Oh dear, this isn't working properly."
7) Their burger bar, run by a very smiley couple, is also their club shop. You can, for instance, order a bacon and cheese burger and an Ashford Town (Middx) car sticker to go. You can then liberally adorn these in tomato, mustard, sweet chilli, barbecue, brown or burger sauce as desired.
8) Their clubhouse appears not to have changed in any way, including dusting, since the club was formed in 1964; it serves real ale (always tinpot), and is furnished with chairs that look like something out of a teachers' staff room. The bar is topped with shiny tiles. There is no room to swing a cat, should you wish to do so. There is a TV on a shelf in the corner, which is about 12" and has a built-in VCR. My dad has one exactly the same, which he won in a raffle in 1988.
9) Their trophy cabinet looks like it's never been dusted and is about to fall off the wall. It contains, amongst other things, an apparently hand-knitted orange and white striped scarf artfully draped over the other contents, seemingly in an effort to disguise the fact that a) there really isn't much else in there, and b) they are nearly all reserve and youth team trophies and Fair Play awards. Another trophy cabinet has a lot of those little trophies that are shaped like footballers on top of it looking as if they are about to commence a game of Subbuteo.
10)
11) pyramidpassion.co.uk/html/ashford_town__middx_.html
12) Several of the cars in their car park when we arrived had their A4 fixtures posters Sellotaped on the windows.
13) Several of the notices on their noticeboards are written in chalk. They also have a plentiful supply of chalk by their dartboard for the purpose of writing rude words. They have a board rubber. It is a tiny, dust-caked, blue and white striped child's glove**.
14) They have their Christmas tree and several bags of random stuff badly hidden under a table in their bar.
15) The burger bar menu is headed with the words "Le Menu."
16) One of their supporters informed me that they were absolutely not, under any circumstances, allowed to write their name without the (Middlesex), or at the very least "(Middx)," or they'd get into terrible trouble.
I await the verdict of the Tinpoticity judging panel, i.e. you.
*Despite the name, one of our players somehow managed to go to the Kent one by mistake. Now that IS tinpot.
**That's a child's glove that is blue and white striped, rather than the glove of a blue and white striped child.
1) They have (Middlesex) in their name, because they're so tinpot they apparently didn't realise there was already an Ashford Town, but wanted the name that badly*. Clubs with random punctuation in their names (e.g. Corinthian-Casuals) are usually beautifully tinpot.
2) Outside their front door is a lovely sign saying who they're playing next, badly written in liquid chalk (orange) so that the last three letters are all squashed.
3) Their car park is a very small muddy field with trees in.
4) Their main programme seller is a small, rather charming ginger-haired boy in grubby Ashford Town trousers who weaves in and out of people's legs until they give in and pay him £2 to go away, at which point he presents them with a cheeky grin and a bright orange programme.
5) They wear fluorescent orange. Any British club whose home kit is this colour is incredibly tinpot.
6) The first thing we heard over the tannoy was "Oh dear, this isn't working properly."
7) Their burger bar, run by a very smiley couple, is also their club shop. You can, for instance, order a bacon and cheese burger and an Ashford Town (Middx) car sticker to go. You can then liberally adorn these in tomato, mustard, sweet chilli, barbecue, brown or burger sauce as desired.
8) Their clubhouse appears not to have changed in any way, including dusting, since the club was formed in 1964; it serves real ale (always tinpot), and is furnished with chairs that look like something out of a teachers' staff room. The bar is topped with shiny tiles. There is no room to swing a cat, should you wish to do so. There is a TV on a shelf in the corner, which is about 12" and has a built-in VCR. My dad has one exactly the same, which he won in a raffle in 1988.
9) Their trophy cabinet looks like it's never been dusted and is about to fall off the wall. It contains, amongst other things, an apparently hand-knitted orange and white striped scarf artfully draped over the other contents, seemingly in an effort to disguise the fact that a) there really isn't much else in there, and b) they are nearly all reserve and youth team trophies and Fair Play awards. Another trophy cabinet has a lot of those little trophies that are shaped like footballers on top of it looking as if they are about to commence a game of Subbuteo.
10)
11) pyramidpassion.co.uk/html/ashford_town__middx_.html
12) Several of the cars in their car park when we arrived had their A4 fixtures posters Sellotaped on the windows.
13) Several of the notices on their noticeboards are written in chalk. They also have a plentiful supply of chalk by their dartboard for the purpose of writing rude words. They have a board rubber. It is a tiny, dust-caked, blue and white striped child's glove**.
14) They have their Christmas tree and several bags of random stuff badly hidden under a table in their bar.
15) The burger bar menu is headed with the words "Le Menu."
16) One of their supporters informed me that they were absolutely not, under any circumstances, allowed to write their name without the (Middlesex), or at the very least "(Middx)," or they'd get into terrible trouble.
I await the verdict of the Tinpoticity judging panel, i.e. you.
*Despite the name, one of our players somehow managed to go to the Kent one by mistake. Now that IS tinpot.
**That's a child's glove that is blue and white striped, rather than the glove of a blue and white striped child.
